Back then I was just starting out and just couldn’t bring myself to say “I’m a programmer, you don’t know what you’re talking about”, even if I felt that way. I couldn’t correct a guy who talked about “href” tags or someone who called a computer a “CPU”. And I got to thinking. Why. Why was I, who KNEW my stuff (not to sound like a complete ass) not nearly as confident as the other guy who clearly didn’t? Why did I not call him out when he blatantly BS’d his way through explanations? Why couldn’t I just be more confident? And I realized it stemmed from two fundamental truths.

1. He was always told that he could do anything he wanted
2. I was afraid of failure

One of those I obviously couldn’t do anything about, but I could try and fix the other.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
In order to fix this fear of failure I had to try and figure out why I was afraid. The obvious “because you’ll fail” wouldn’t cut it this time, so I had to delve deeper than that. I had to figure out why exactly failure was such a bad thing. After all everyone talks about how you only learn if you make mistakes etc. etc. blah blah, so clearly making mistakes and failing is a good thing. I began to look back at previous times I had failed. I looked at everything, from falling down stairs (walking fail?) to not being able to deliver a project on time to formatting my hard-drive. The only thing these things had in common was that I had failed. That and they caught me off guard.

Wait what? That last bit seems pretty significant.

I looked at more times I failed and noticed the recurring trait. I never thought I would fail, I never even considered it and when it happened I was caught off guard. I didn’t know how to respond and it seemed like every failure inevitably ended with me doubting myself a little more. And now, it had gotten to the point where the apprehension about failing was far more intimidating than actually succeeding.

So I made a list. A list of all the things I could do to not be caught of guard. It was a very short list. It basically involved either being psychic or making another list of all possible points of failure. Clearly neither would be happening. So I decided to make a list of the most obvious things I could fail at for a task. I cut out anything I wouldn’t have any control over, like “friend moves away, has borrowed hard-drive, now you have no hard-drive” and left the generalized stuff on. And you know what? It didn’t help one bit. I still wasn’t confident, I still was afraid to speak my mind about anything.

Knowing the failures didn’t help. In fact just knowing them made them all seem so much worse. Gradually however, I started coming up with contingency plans for each point of failure. At first they started as reasons for why they couldn’t be counted as “real” failures. They weren’t excuses, but rather ways to deal with something if that particular failure came about. And the suddenly, once I had a contingency plan for a failure, there was no reason to worry about it. Sure it could happen, but so what? I had a back-up plan. And a back-up plan of my back-up plan was in the works. A failure just wasn’t that daunting anymore.

Sure a client could say “I’m not paying you for that.”, but then I could say “Well why don’t we meet and discuss your reservations about paying and see if we can come up with something where both of us are happy.” I could also say “Screw you buddy, see you in small claims.” It didn’t matter WHAT I said, it just mattered that I had various plans in case I failed. And that gave me a sense of confidence that I’ve never had before.

And the confidence brought something else that I hadn’t counted on. Success. I hadn’t suddenly gotten better at anything, but I wasn’t so afraid of failing and people responded to it. I spoke my mind at meetings and offered my input. Sometimes I was right and sometimes someone said I was wrong. It didn’t matter because my backup plan for saying something wrong was simple “Ask why.” And people suddenly realize you’re not just like everyone else. You want to know more, you’re willing to offer ideas and have them killed, you just want to know why.

And just like that, I was suddenly confident in my own abilities. Not just as a developer or a designer, but as a guitarist, as a gamer, as a person. I knew what I could and could not do, and I knew how to deal with both.

—-
I realized this is sort of a random shift away from coding and stuff, but as a fellow blogger once pointed out to me. It’s my goddam blog.

But then again, they do have a minimum of 30 minutes to do so. Commercials – they don’t get the same treatment. Marketers and Advertising agencies have a maximum of 30 seconds to wow us, pull us in and convince us we need something. The only thing commercials have is that you can see them every 15 minutes.

So we can see, commercials clearly have a hard time doing what they’re supposed to do. But they make it even harder on themselves by sticking to the standard flow of commericals. For example, any commercial for hair-care products for women have the same formula

1. Girl with not shiny hair
2. Girl with non shiny hair uses *INSERT PRODUCT*
3. Girl with non shiny hair now has shiny hair which she ties into a knot (why?)
4. Girl flips her hair over her shoulder, smiles at the camera and the commercial ends.

This pattern has been presented so many times to us that we don’t need to see the whole thing anymore. At any of the steps we can quickly identify the type of commercial. Of course, it’s not just womens commercials that follow this. Think of beer commercials aimed at men

1. Girls
2. Girls with less clothes
3. Party with girls with less clothes
4. Average Joe

They’re all the same, every commercial will follow the pattern of another commercial done before it.

There are of course a few who try and separate themselves, but most times they fall flat. Some notable ones of course, include Pepsi’s commercial featuring Jimmy Fallon and Parker Posey’s dancing through the street.

And now, out of the blue, Old Spice throws its hat into the ring. Creative agency Wieden and Ross (widen and Ross)  have created what I think is one of the best (if not THE best) commercials on TV. Not only do I not mind watching it, but I actually Youtube it because it’s great. It’s nonsensical in an awesome way. Just.. just watch.

What’s in a name

Everything. Bill had it wrong. When you meet someone, you ask for their name. In your mind, it will forever be their name. When you see someone with similar characteristics you will say “Hey, thats like [NAME]” or “Hey, that isn’t what [NAME] would do at all”. When you first hear about a new product, they call it by name. When you talk to your friends about that great new feature of ____, you need to use it’s name. Names are about building associations, so why does it seem like your naming convention for your big “game-changing” product follows a Munroe comic about mispronouncing words? Not to mention the fact that images of various feminine products swim through my head whenever I hear or see someone talking about it.

If I can't see your hands when you're using your iPad, stay away

There, now you’ll forever be scarred by the iPad. The funny thing is, I didn’t even think about this particular definition of the iPad. I saw the Munroe jokes about blagging. A friend pointed this out and now it’s the only thing I can think of.

Features

I heard you like Home Screens, so we put Home Screens in your Home Screens.

The iPad actually really shines in this department. As much as I rail on Apple, I always say I can hand it to them when they do something good. The iPad runs Safari no problems, has a mail app, can play videos (obviously not HD but not even laptops can do that for a decent price) and it can Youtube (since.. I guess that’s different from videos). It also “iPods”..which I’m guessing is some sort of fancied up classic iPod interface, or dumbed down iTunes interface. It has a notes app for jotting down quick tidbits of thought (such as “Why the hell did I buy this?”), a calendar (for such appointments as “throw iPod at mailman @ 8:30am”, a contact app and my personal favourite the Home Screen! That’s right, apple took what I loved about the home screens (namely that they exist) and put it front and center on the iPad!

Now, let me just cross off the ones on that list that I can’t run on my Blackberry and what you’re left with is a cornucopia of… wait. You’re left with..iPod and Home Screens.

iPod was sort of a given, considering it’s your iPad, but the Home Screens were something no one expected Apple to flaunt.

In Apples’ defence they are touting the iPad as a happy medium between phone and laptop. You get all the portability of a laptop, with all the features of a phone. And Home Screens. You get Home Screens.

However, for all their pluses, Apple gets a few (more) negative points as well.  You can only run two of these apps at any time. And it has to be the Mail app and another app. That’s it. You don’t get to listen to music while watching a how-to video about how to set up the Mail app properly.

It also shits on the face of standards (it’s Apple, did you expect any different?) You’ll find no USB port here for hooking your iPad up to your desktop. You’re stuck with a “30-pin dock connector”. Of course there isn’t a webcam on it, but I can’t really complain about that. My laptop doesn’t have a webcam. And it does have to make concessions to fit that multi-touch screen into it’s very thin packaging. It doesn’t have any expandable memory slots and it’s LED-backlit which is just geek talk for “good luck using it outdoors”.

Oh how we have evolved

The Apps!

This is where Apple will REALLY be making its money. It pretty much has the final say in whether or not your app makes it to the public and that can be a good thing. After all how many booby apps can one person purchase right? Since this is where Apple really shines they really pulled out all the stops on development. Not only did they make it so that you can use the old iPod/iPhone apps on your iPad, you can scale it up to full screen and they run even better because of the great new hard-ware! Too bad, you can still only run mail and one other app.

In all seriousness however, I will commend Apple on this. Good job developing the API for the iPhone/iPod/iPad line. It was a genius move on their part and hopefully they will continue to ride on its success!

The official iPad ad campaign

The Verdict

The price is win. At 499$ it puts it right at that “I need a new laptop but I’m just going to be using it for work” price point that most people seem to be at. As well, the fact that it advertises itself as portable means that users are definitely going to attempt to lug it around leading to increases in iPad theft rates and thus generating news about the iPad.

Apart from that though, it’s a fail. It touts it self as cheap and easy to use but that puts it in a niche that you and I don’t occupy. The iPad isn’t for you the blog reader, or me the blog writer. Or to anyone who knows how to work a computer. You know who it IS for? Old people. Because they can’t see, so the bigger iPhone interface makes it easier on the eyes. And that have terrible motor control so poking at icons on the great Home Screen is easier than navigating a mouse.

I left my Home Screen in my other sweater...

What IS Chrome OS?
Simply put, Chrome OS is Google’s take on the PC. They essentially stripped out the actual operating system and you’re running a slightly glorified browser. Why slightly? Well, because they’re essentially using Google Chrome with a few added tweaks. Want to know how it will run? Just pop open Google Chrome and hit the maximize button. Sure there will be a few UI tweaks and a couple of additions here and there, but that’s essentially what you are looking at.

What’s the big deal then?
The big deal here is two-fold. First off, it’s by Google! For die hard Googlers (me and damn near everyone else -.-) nothing Google can do is wrong! And even if they put out something questionable, they either fix it, or kill it and explain why. Google is also huge on the internet. Their applications either enjoy huge successes, or bomb and are killed quickly. Therefore, people come to expect a certain level of awesome from Google, and they expect that by Google officially calling Chrome OS it’s own project that they will get awesome. Secondly they used the word “cloud” multiple times, and right now that word is a game changer.

I’m confused.
Don’t worry, you’re not alone, a lot of tech bloggers seem to think that Google tipping its toe into the PC market will result in a revolution. Some people even think that Microsoft should watch out. They’re wrong. Google is trying something different, sure, but it won’t have much of an impact on people who aren’t tech savvy. Let’s examine this idea a bit more, with the use of some average customers.

Customer 1 – Just want it to work
I worked for a while as a sales associate at a fairly large computer store. Customers would come in daily looking for a computer that they could use just for checking their email, browsing the internet and listening to some music. They didn’t do anything fancy, and were therefore not looking for anything overly expensive. Sadly, Chrome OS only satisfies 2.5 of their results, and even then, it clobbers them into something they’re not quite comfortable with. Web based email is something that is finally catching on to the main stream. It’s the newer generation that are really making strides with the cloud. Older generations are more comfortable with Outlook Express. That isn’t to say that won’t get used to a web-based client. It will just take some time. It took me a few months to move my parents away from Outlook Express and to Gmail. My father handled the move fairly well, but my mother found it a hassle. In fact, to this day she will delete and email rather than archive it, even if there is a chance she will use it later. The internet is what Chrome will excel at. But “browsing the internet” usually translates into 25-30 pages that a user will visit frequently. The last bit is where users will really get confused. Since ChromeOS doesn’t have a native file-system, there isn’t any way to store your files on it. That means that all your music on your old PC will stay on your old PC. If you have an mp3 player you can definitely hook it up and look at your music, but you can’t play it. Of course, if you have an iPod you’re just out of luck. iPod’s will require iTunes which requires a hard-drive. If you want to listen to music now, you’re stuck going with online services like Lala, Pandora and Last.fm. Of course, Pandora doesn’t work in most places, and that extensive library that they’ve build up won’t work.

Customer 2 – The Gamer/Hardware Guru
They know exactly what they are looking for and won’t waste your time. They’ll have a list of things they want and they’ll just run through your store and pick them up, stopping you only if they can’t find something. They’re veterans. They already know ChromeOS won’t let them play games or download movies and music or even let them tinker about with some music editing software that they need and they won’t waste time thinking about it.

Customer 3 – The self-proclaimed guru
These customers generally have some idea of what they’re looking for, but have no clue about specifics. They think of themselves as better than the average user and tend to have idea’s about systems that they’ve just picked up from others. They don’t know if ChromeOS is right for them, but once you mention that it doesn’t have a hard-drive they’ll be a little skeptic.

Customer 4 – Curious
This is the only customer that will pick up ChromeOS. They have an idea of what ChromeOS is about, and they know that it won’t replace a desktop or laptop, but still, they’re curious about it. These customers will come in looking specifically for ChromeOS and if you don’t have it, they’ll move right on to the next place.

And that is why ChromeOS isn’t going to go up against any of the big OSes. It’s not designed to. At its core, ChromeOS is meant for a very niche set of users. People who like Google’s products and are looking for a hassle free way to access them. It’s not meant to replace your current machine, it’s a supplement, something that Google themselves has tried to make clear. If you’re interested in reading up some more on Googles ChromeOS, I’ve included a couple links to some articles that I think address the situation rather well.

http://gizmodo.com/5408712/what-google-needs-for-the-chrome-os-to-succeed
http://arstechnica.com/open-source/news/2009/11/chromeos-announcement.ars/

First off, let me highlight what Google Wave provides

• Real time collaboration, and I mean real time – people can see as you type letter by letter.
• A new way to organize your email
• A convergence of both traditional email and instant messaging

As a developer and a computer geek I’m incredibly excited by this. Not only is it something new and fancy, but it could potentially replace existing email and IM systems and provide a platform for developers to integrate these features into their own websites. That’s amazing right?!

Wrong.

Google Wave undermines certain benefits that traditional email comes with. I never thought about the implications of real-time email until I was trying to write an email to a client and I realized that at numerous times I just stopped and re-read what I was writing, and even went back and changed certain sections of it. I realized that if my client could see what I was typing as I was typing it, they might get a little impatient and call me just to find out what I was talking about quickly. However, my writing took place over several days. And that is the benefit of email. You have the ability to refine your response over any number of days before sending it, and once you sent it you can sit back and relax knowing that your client received an email with exactly the tone that you were trying to imply.

Google wave even claims it will be a good way to IM with multiple people, but that isn’t the case. As with emails, instant messaging provides you with a certain set of tools that Google Wave can not provide. Things like statuses (which are implemented somewhat vaguely in Wave), emoticons, and even the ability to write out your message and spell check it before sending it are built into IM clients. By providing people direct access to your thought process as you compose your messages, Google strips away a necessary barrier that these clients require to be successful. A friend once asked me how I cope with being so connected. I read hundreds of feeds a day, respond to numerous emails, keep up with contacts over my Blackberry and even make use of Friendfeed and Twitter when necessary. For an average user that alone is too much. I can’t imagine how I would be able to cope with all of it if I could watch people writing their content in real time.

As a collaboration tool however, Google Wave will serve its purpose. In a corporate setting, working with numerous people on documents is something that occurs fairly frequently, and the ability to open a single copy and edit it (with revisions saved) is a huge bonus. In that respect, I think Google definitely hit the nail on the head.

But what they provide to developers is much bigger than what they provide to users. The ability to access these real-time components and integrate them into their own web applications is something that developers everywhere are waiting to be able to do. Imagine utilizing Google Wave to write your own web-based editor, ala Bespin, but with collaboration and versioning built right in to it. Imagine being able to instantly set up a collaboration between other bloggers to work on a common post.

To developers Google Wave represents the future of the web. It represents the future of JavaScript as it finally becomes welcomed by developers. It forces browsers to push their JS engines to perform faster while lowering their system resources at the same time. To regular users? Google Wave is useless.

If you are interested in Google Wave, I have about 10 invites left. Please leave a comment with your name and the email address you would like me to send it to. The first 10 comments left will get invites.

I’ve always been a little apprehensive of new Microsoft products, but this year they’ve continued to surprise me. First there was the beta version of Windows 7, which rendered my usual quip about not using anything beta and by Microsoft fairly useless (Why don’t you just wait till it comes out? It’ll be buggy enough to SEEM like it’s in beta). And now Bing. I’ve tried my very hardest to hate it and to think that Google was the clear winner, but I just couldn’t do it.

Before I begin comparing the two, let me just say that I’m still a huge Google fan. I’ve been since I started using computers and when they launched gMail, I actually paid for a beta invite. I’ve been using gMail and converting people to Google ever since. I know that by using Google so much they pretty much own my data, but I don’t care. I know I’ll continue to use them.

That being said, I hope they take a few pages from Microsoft.

Bing works. I know there’s the whole oxymoron joke going around about “Microsoft Works” but Bing really does work. I spent 4 days using Google to do some research for my day job. I can’t speak about WHAT I was looking for (I believe it falls under confidentiality agreements and such) but suffice it to say that I thought it should be fairly easy to find. It wasn’t. I wasted about 4 days worth of time looking things up. Then on a whim I decided to check out Bing. Imagine my surprise when the first time I ever use it it shows me exactly the results that I’d been hoping to find. Despite all our anecdotes about books and judges, first impressions really do matter. And Microsoft really hit it. I was actually floored. It made me consider how well the other Live services were coming along.

I haven’t had a chance to test out ALL of Bings options, but another thing I loved was the ability to keep scrolling during image searches. I hate page reloads and generally anything that might slow down my multi-tasking, and so being able to scroll through hundreds of images in one go was a great idea.

Currently I use Bing for all my searches and have been for the past few days. The only thing I really don’t like is the very busy interface that they have but I’m willing to give Microsoft the benefit of the doubt with this one. Things are really easy to see, and I like the addition excerpt feature, so I can live with the busy interface.

Now I can’t vouch for the rest of the Live services, but I WILL say that I really like the idea of the Live platform and being powered by Bing search I think Microsoft really has a chance to change peoples perceptions of them…

And as engineers we have certain choices to make when developing our applications. Do we go with the more used proprietary tools? Do we build our own? Maybe we utilize free applications? Or maybe we hire the job out. All viable choices, but to a real engineer, only one is fun. Building our own. Whether on proprietary architechture or on open source languages, we have the most fun when faced with the monumental task of building something from scratch. And we do it. We do it because it’s fun and becuase we have to. But how we do it varies from person to person.

A big part of that is based on our experience as developers. When I first began my forays into development, I thought developing an application was simple. You sit down for a few days straight and work it out. Then you’re done and you move on to the next project. I wasn’t far off from the truth. I was a little misguided, but I had the essenence of the project right. I was just putting the focus on the wrong portion of it. Development happens in two places, first is the planning, then is the actual implementation. The planning part is what a lot of new developers have problems coming to terms with. They don’t want to sit down and write out a book outlining what they’re going to do. It’s all in their heads. They know what’s going to happen and they try and make it so.

And that’s why new programmers rarely finish their projects. They get so bogged up with everything that’s going on in a project that they can’t focus on any one aspect. Soon it becomes too much for them. That’s why we have so many different methods of doing things. That’s why planning your project is such a big deal. It gives you focus, an outline. It is something that they never teach you in school, because in school, your professors do that for you. They think out the assignment and tell you exactly how your end product will function. And depending on how well you stick to their guidelines, you get appropriately graded.

Before starting any project, a developer needs to sit down and think. Spend a few days thinking. Think and shower. Think before you sleep. For me, before I embark on a particularily straining project, I sit and think. I spend a lot of time thinking about what exactly I’ll be doing. I spend a lot of time envisioning the end product. How will it work? How will it look? What happens if I press Button X? These questions are important. They help you define a clear path to your goal. And this is what you need.

If possible do a mind map. Examine all the features that you would like your application to have and figure out what they do. Don’t think too much on how you will accomplish it, just focus on what you want the end result to be. Make a list of things that your project should be. These are essential. Treat these as your milestones to development completion. Every time you’ve finished one of these, you’re getting slightly closer to your goal.

*A Note To Project Managers*
Stay away from weightings. If you weight the tasks, they instantly become skewed. Each task is equally important and, most likely, dependent on the last. Programming rarely allows for completely separate elements. They must all be connected and treating them as separate elements just shows that you’re not quite up to the task.

Some important questions to ask while in this analysis phase are things like

• What will the interface look like?
  
• Does it make sense?
  
• What are the benefits of working on this project? What are the downfalls?
• What types of features will be required?
  

Notice the questions asked relate more to the whole project itself that to development. This is key. If we focus too much on the development without having an idea of where we are trying to take it we end up side tracked. We end up implementing too much that we probably wont use.

Don’t think this is just for programmers. The idea of project analysis is something that can help everyone. Building a new deck? Figure out what you want it to look like before yo blindly start working. Painting your house? Figure out what color. Building a framework for User Management? Figure out what a user is and what they can do. Writing a book on the intricacies of the Onomatopoeia? What is the overall tone of the book? Amusing? Angry? Superior?

Applying this idea of analysis to all your tasks and projects go a long way towards helping create an idea for what you want to achieve. And quantifying that idea into tasks makes it so much more achievable.

Opti-Cal/Mag Vegi Caps.

What. The. Heck?

I glanced around on the front of the pill bottle for a while before I realized I had no idea what these pills did. However, I did find out that these were extra strength and contained a ratio of 2:1 of something. The front was just littered wtih useless catch phrases and buzz words. It was only after reading the very fine print at the bottom of the label that I realized that they were Vitamin and Mineral supplements (the label also says “plus other factors” which could mean anything really). Then I realized that it was overly complicated for no reason. If I had seen these on a shelf at the store I probably wouldnt’ even have looked at it twice. I had no reason to. After all, I had no idea what they were, and by looking at them, I had no idea what they actually did. I suppose if I had a few minutes I could stop by and closely look at them, but I’m generally a busy person. If I can’t get something right away I move on to the next attainable task.

Web design has achieved this same idea of simplicity. With the advent of the internet we saw a push for spinny buttons and flashy text and the dreaded blink tag. It was a terrible time to be a designer. But then things started getting good. All of a sudden there was this new movement in web design dubbed Web 2.0. It touted simplicity and aesthetic design over flashy-spinny bits. People still needed flashy, but now that this had become an actual design form, people were a bit more picky about what they put in to their layouts. After all, it would represent their work on the internet.

I suppose it really was a good thing for us. It allowed us to focus less on where to put a piece of the layout, and more on where not to. We achieved a balanced web layout by placing overly design-laden areas next to sparse whitespace holes. We learned to appreciate the beauty of a simple gradual gradient as opposed to bright pink text. We moved on from integrating these design elements into integrating the code. And then designers had to become developers. We had to see what it is we were going to do with our layout and then learn how to do it. It helped a lot because now you were working with someone who not only saw your end result in their head, but they worked tirelessly to make it happen.

So why talk about all of this? Why understand where web design evolved from? Simple, to figure out where it will go next. I personally feel that “Web 3.0″ (for lack of a better term) will integrate developers and designers tighter. Our designs will be linked to the code, and we will try and use code to replace various images. I mean, if I could do it in 40 lines of code and have it reusable always, why would I make an image of each element?

But more than that, designers will have to focus on how elements on their designs will interact with the user. Will a form have a tool tip when you over over it? Will there be a customized radio button? Will the banner fade in and out with different images? All these ideas will have to be integrated into the designers repertoire as they no longer design layouts, but move on to developing web sites. No longer can a designer get by on being just a designer anymore. They will have to learn new skills so that they have even more to offer their clients.

Seriously, I’ve been stopped with people while wearing my headset telling me that I look like a douche. They tell me that I shouldn’t be wearing stuff like that because I just come off like an asshole. Sorry dude-with-no-money I didn’t think that my money would make you feel bad. Ever notice how the dude wearing the blue-tooth headset is also most commonly seen like this?

That’s right. He’s wearing a suit. And a tie! He looks all dressed up, like he was somewhere important to go. Oh like a job. Where he doesn’t have to stack boxes. You heard me, I’m calling you out. Prove to me that you’re not a bum who doesn’t like bluetooth headsets.

Dont’ get me wrong. I’m not filthy rich. Infact, I get by. I’m in school, work for a good place, make decent wages. Enough that I have a blackberry, and enough that I want the ease of having a bluetooth headset. When you complain to me all I hear is “blah blah, I don’t make enough money to afford a cellphone plan that would require me to get a bluetooth headset. Nor can I afford one ”

If you’ve got enough money to cover the necessities and then you find that you have a bit more, it’s generally time to move to the luxury section. Now you buy things that make people go “oh, that would be nice to have”. Such as things that free up your hands for other things. Like driving perhaps?

That’s right. I pulled that card out. Bluetooth headsets are almost like a cellphone driving ban. You can still use your cellphone, but now your hands are freed up for the all important task of keeping yourself and other people around you alive. You think it’s a fashion statement? Wrong. It’s a necessity. By this time bluetoothers (blueteethers?) have figured out one thing. It’s my life and I’m gonna live it. And living it requires you to STAY alive. Something that’s hard to do when you’re otherwise distracted with a hand to your ear.

“But but,” you argue. “It fries your brain”

That’s when you know that your tormentor has run out of ideas. Here’s a few options:

1. Reply “Don’t worry, I have more than enough to spare. But I can see why that would bother you”. This is best finished by gently patting them on the shoulder.
2. You could also say “Not as fast as my roundhouse kick will fry yours if you don’t GET OUT OF MY WAY!” That’s best followed by you bringing your foot back like you’re getting ready to roundhouse kick them. Make sure that your words are clearly pronounced so that they don’t get confused.
3. “A.. guh” *drool* This inormally get’s them to go “Ew. Dude.” and then they walk away. You can rest assured that they’ll be thinking of you for a while.
4. “MY BRAIN?! MY BRAIN?!” Keep repeating that, stressing various combinations of syllables. You can also advance on them.
5. The ever popular “Prove it.” They’ll normally reply by going “It’s been proven (or proved)” You can just reply by saying “So you can’t prove it?” Stressing the YOU.

You don’t fit the common Bluetooth worrier? Leave your name in a comment. Oh and Prove it.

Watch, then repeat
Whenever you go to somewhere new you always feel kinda awkward. Do I tip 15%? or just the tax? Does the faucet turn to the left or right for hot water… Oh.. it’s up? Is this door automatic.. oh. no it isn’t. Push or Pull? Normally questions like this we never need to ask ourselves, but when we’re suddenly pushed into a situation where we have no clue how anything works, don’t guess. Position yourself behind someone who’s going the same way you are. The watch them. Just do what they do. At a restaurant? “Oh.. that sounds really good, I’ll have what he’s having!” It’s fool proof. Just watch, then repeat and you’ll look like a pro. It’s best to look bored while doing it, then everyone will think this is a daily part of your life. Even if inside you’re giggling and how the automatic faucet turns out when you walk too close.

Schmooze
When it’s your first day, it’s easy to sit at your desk and ignore everyone else. It’s also rather tempting to not have to deal with everyone, but don’t listen to yourself. You’ll end up branded the weird guy that just sits by himself. Instead, pretend like you’re lost and ask someone who looks nice (probably someone with kids you can latch on to) to show you were the cafeteria is. you’ll probably make a new friend who will more than likely introduce you to somemore people. Just make sure you

Don’t treat them like your friend
Now, when I’m around my friends it’s pretty common to laugh at each other. It’s also common to yell out “NO YOU!” or “HA, that’s what she said”. Maybe even “That’s not what your mom said”. You must resist that urge. No matter how close you feel to someone, unless they hang out with you regularily they’re not friends, they’re colleagues. Treat them as such. I know a good friend, we’ll call Walla, who made a your mom joke to a colleague. The guy didn’t respond and just walked away. Walla later found out that his colleagues’ mother had died. Of cancer. Nothing makes you seem more like more of a dick that making fun of dead loved ones.

It’s not up to you
You know your stuff. Clearly. Or else you wouldn’t have ended up doing what you’re doing right now. But let’s get one thing straight. You don’t call the shots. So even when you know there’s a better way to do things, don’t just run out and do them. Talk to someone higher up and ask if it’s alright. A two minute conversation might save you being kicked out for not following proper procedure.

Except that it is
That’s right. Working is completely different from being in school. You have a deadline in school. You have a curriculum. Think of working as an online course. Except that you’re not allowed to leave early, you have to be on time daily, and even when you leave you still end up thinking about work. You are your own boss. Sure someone higher up gives you the work, but you are in charge of how you get it done. Think about that kid in class who sucked up all the time. The one who handed in homework early, laughed at the teachers stupid jokes, told on all the kids and got straight A’s. Now become them. That kid was a master at being his own boss. Remember, it matters that you hand in things ahead of schedule. Besides, if you don’t, how will you find time for all that facebook?

Limited Profiles
Since we’re on Facebook, set up networks. Use limited access protocols! People from work should never know that in your free time you dress up as Darth Vader and attend Star Wars conventions (Unless you’re in the IT department). They should never know that your “sick day” was really a day at Wonderland. They shouldn’t know that you “got blazed last night” or that you dress up like a faerie. Shit like that? That’s for your friends, not your colleagues.

Learn to call it a night
You’re used to stay up till 4am to get things done. After all college/university is ALL about cramming and last minute work. You’re a master at waiting till 4am to start a proect, finishing it in time for your 10am class, handing it in and then going to sleep. But that shit doesn’t fly anymore. You’re up till 4? Too bad, you’re still pulling a 9-5. Didn’t sleep at ALL last night? Can’t call in sick, you have work to do. You need to master the art of “goodnight” I can admit that I do my best work after 11pm. I’m wide awake, the lights are all off and the soft glow of my computer screen and the clicky-click-click between songs really drive me to be my most productive. But knowing that I have to be up early the next day means that once 12am rolls around, I start winding down. It doesn’t matter if I have a great idea I absolutely must finish, I try and call it quits. It doesn’t always work, but when it does I get to wake up the next morning without feeling too groggy.

Take it in stride
You will have to adapt no doubt. And your friends will make fun of you for not being able to stay out late, or play video games, or do things that you once used to do without thinking about. I used to go out till 3 or 4 am and then go to school the next day.. if I felt like that. All of that changes though. Just keep in mind. You make money now. That shit is worth it.

This list, while tongue in cheek, is still meant to impart some knowledge on ye without any working experience. Take it in stride, and keep it in mind.